How do we connect with others? What kind of connection do we crave? What kind of connection are others satisfied with?
When it comes to writing romance, especially sweet romance, there is so much of the story that is about connection. Since I don’t utilize sex to demonstrate vulnerability and intimacy, I instead rely on all of the ways people connect before they reach that level. But even after we find the one and are in a long term committed relationship, we still have to connect with our spouse in order to keep that relationship and bond strong.
I was talking about this with my sister the other day and I shared an example from my life. I think it’s a good one, so I’ll share it with you all.
My husband and I had been married for more than ten years when we fell into the usual morning routine of me getting the kids off to school and my husband getting ready and heading out to work. Amid the chaos of kids and hurrying, I realized that much of the time, my husband would leave without me noticing. After that had occurred for a number of months, or maybe even a number of years, I realized how much it bothered me. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to him in the morning. But I didn’t want to be needy, right? I was an independent woman. Did it really matter if we both handled the life that was in front of us, instead of stopping to say a quick goodbye?
Yes.
It mattered.
It mattered to me a lot. And once I was sufficiently bothered by it, I decided to say something. One morning, my husband had left again while I was busy with other things, and I was disappointed enough by it that when I got a minute, I texted him. All I said was, “Dang it. I didn’t get to hug you before you left.”
I realized over the following week that I hadn’t been the only one longing for that moment of connection. My husband had been dissatisfied by our lack of interaction in the mornings just as much as I was, but neither of us had done anything about it until then. It’s so easy to write off our needs and wants, our craving for meaningful connection, and label it as too needy or emotional. We’d both done that. We assumed that it wasn’t a big deal to the other person and so it shouldn’t be a big deal for us either.
But after that day and that one little text, things changed. I think it was four or five years ago when I sent him that text and ever since then, we both prioritize saying goodbye to each other before he leaves. If my morning is chaotic with getting kids to school, he’ll wait around for a few minutes. Or if he really needs to get out the door, he’ll say as much so that I can pause what I’m doing, give him a hug and we can tell each other goodbye.
It’s such a small thing. It takes what? Ten seconds? Twenty? But my day is so much better if he and I connect for just a few moments before we go our separate ways for the day.
Not everyone needs that. We all have different personalities and different love languages. But we all need connection on some level and in some way, and it’s important to figure out how to fulfill those needs. Do you need a date once a week? Do you need a phone call in the middle of the day? Five minutes of snuggles? A deep conversation? A shared joke? Holding hands while you watch a movie?
What about your significant other? What do they need to feel connected?
I think a lot of us tend to drift away from others as time goes on. We get complacent, or we think we’re too old to need a hug, or the business of living life just gets in the way.
So I’d like to encourage you to take a moment, think of something or some way you’d like to connect with someone, and then ask for it.
There you go. There’s my unsolicited advice for the day. Now I’m going to go off and build connections between my characters, because in the end that’s what romance is—connection.
Speaking of my characters, would you like to see a cover reveal for book three of my Tales of Winberg series? Well, okay!
Miriam is introduced in Cloaked in Scarlet as Hunter’s sister. Now she gets her own adventure as my Maid Marion character in this Robin Hood inspired story.
Clean Romance Highlights
Forgotten by Camille Peters is a new fairytale that released TODAY for a brand new series.
Norah and the Nerd by Anna Catherine Field is Book 4 in the Love in Ocean Grove series.
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